Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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