please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
