Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
