I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
