so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
