Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
