My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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