I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
