dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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