not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize