Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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