i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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