Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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