I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
