Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
