Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize