The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
