First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
