mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
