made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
