I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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