eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Be still, my beating vagina.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
