he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
