standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize