I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
