my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
