my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
