at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
