it hurts more in the daytime
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
