she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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