ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
