I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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