I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
