you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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