Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Operation Purity has been aborted
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
