I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
