i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My day in three words: secret purse cake
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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