giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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