??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
