I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Randomize
