I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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