even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
