Plan B is the new Plan A
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
