i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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