when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
