Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
