my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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