No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
