Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize