we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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