I could make wine with my vomit
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
