if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she told me i tasted like america
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
