Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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