my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
