Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
