i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
