And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
